I just phoned my ex. "Let's arrange a date," I told her. "That sounds great," she replied, "What do you want to do?" I said, "I want to take your sister on a date."
Apparently, Keira Knightley, for her upcoming film, has a no touching clause, so that her co-stars aren't allowed near her, even in sex scenes, they're all simulated. First of all, I thought she was frigid. But actually it's a health and safety thing, because she doesn't want anyone getting a splinter.
Q. What's 10 inches long, hard as steel, and can keep a woman loyal to you for years? A. A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London, apparently.
THE DEAF WIFE PROBLEM Bert feared his Wife, Peg, wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her with this problem, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, ' Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone , see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, then 10 feet, and so on until you get a response.' You can then report back to me and I can take the problem from there and your wife will be none the wiser about your little test. That evening, the Wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, so let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, What's for dinner?' NO RESPONSE! So the Husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his Wife and repeats, 'Peg, What's for dinner?' STILL NO RESPONSE!! Next , he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and again asks, 'Honey, What's for dinner?' AGAIN, HE GETS NO RESPONSE!!! Being extremely concerned for her inability to hear by now, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away and says, 'Honey Pie , What's for dinner?' YET AGAIN, HE GETS NO RESPONSE!!!! Absolutely worried sick by now regarding her total failure to hear him, he walks right up behind her and says, 'Peg Darling, What's for dinn (I just love this)?? F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
"Women are terrible with directions, aren't they?" I said to my wife. "I don't really know where you're going with this." she replied.
While planning a hiking holiday to The Rocky Mountains, I read that the best way to survive a bear attack is to play dead. I'm not taking any chances, I'm dressing up as a zombie for the entire trip.
I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked the attendant where to go for the 'Archery For Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me.
I made 2 interesting discoveries about my girlfriend during a 69er. 1. If I gently massage my tongue over her clit, her little toes curl up. 2. I think she had corned beef sandwiches for lunch yesterday.
Nigella Lawson, off her tits, snorting coke? Don't care. Nigella Lawson, snorting coke, off her tits? You have my attention.
So Charles Saatchi was married to a woman who could be a chef in the kitchen, a tart in the boudoir, and who had access to Class-A drugs? And he divorced her? No wonder his advertising agency went out of business......
My mate said his son got his disabled parking badge yesterday. I said, "I didn't know the Scouts had an award for that."
My wife was going away for a few days, as she left in the taxi she shouted, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." So I lost some weight.
