I was in the garden today when I stopped to tell a pile of leaves how osmosis works. Needless to say they were blown away.
I was getting a lap dance from a stripper. I said, "I'll give you £20 if you to come back to my place for a kiss and a cuddle." "It'll have to be more than that!" she replied. I said, "Okay. What about I fuck you too then?"
As part of my college course, I have to present a twenty minute lecture on the history of clocks. Anything less than twenty minutes and I won't get a tick for my talk.
You may consider yourself a successful person if the cognac you drink is older than the woman you sleep with....
My mate is chuffed with his Angelina Jolie advent calendar. He's always wanted to open her flaps & eat chocolate from her.
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
At the divorce hearing the judge told my mate: "Having reviewed your case I have decided to give your former wife £1,000 a week." My mate replied: "That's very fair your honour, I'll try & slip her a few quid every now & then myself."
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse. Should really have invested in a Carbon Monoxide detector.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did, and apparently I won't be allowed on this airline again.....
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant. Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him. Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession Pat: - Oh? What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home? Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Pat: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family? Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Pat: - Yep! Five times a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often? Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate! Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Pat: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate. Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Seamus: - What's that then? Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Seamus: - Nope Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker...
I work making coins for the Royal Mint but me and the other staff all went on strike today. We want to make less money.
A tidal surge has flooded most of the centre of Hull. There are fears the cost of the damage could reach as much as £20.
My mate said the prostitute he uses charges by the hour. Wonder what she does with the other 57 minutes?
