A lot of people hate seeing other people's pubic hair on the seats of public toilets. Not me. It saves me a fortune on dental floss
"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning. "Yes." he replied. I said, "Can you carry mine for me?" He said, "Sure." As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard." "I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."
I've just heard about the match fixing allegations. Campbell must be the first DJ this year not to be arrested for kiddie fiddling.
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried. Apparently, "Face first in Pixie Lott's fanny" wasn't the answer she was looking for....
David Cameron disguised himself as a volunteer worker and reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm really the Prime Minister," Cameron replied indignantly as he took off his disguise. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Derek Acorah has been charged with careless driving and failure to supply a specimen of breath for analysis after his sports car was involved in a collision. The one time spirits would have actually shown up and he fails to deliver.....
Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley. Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......
Well Officer. it was a round-case 750ss Ducati, triple drilled discs with lockheed callipers, 40mm Dellorto pumpers, polished alloy tank, twin hi-level contis, suede covered seat, duck green and silver, Vee-Two dry clutch, Marzocchi forks and shocks, very nice bike…………….. No sorry I didn't get the number, it was going too fast.. !
I took a chav girl out for a meal last night. I suggested Coq au Van and we didn't even make it to the restaurant.
My mate's wife says he is like a lawn mower. Hard to get started, emits foul odours & rarely works...
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question??
Middle Eastern countries' capitals can be hard to remember. It helps to know that whatever happens, Amman will always be inside Jordan.
I am fed up with all these jokes about the French being pushovers, surrender monkeys and offering no resistance. As a Frenchman I want to put the record straight... Sorry I have to go someone wants to use my computer.
