When I told my dad I was gay, I didn't know how he would react. The last thing I was expecting was a hug. Apart from his erection, the last thing I was expecting was a hug.
I was trying to do this fat girl in the ass but it just wasn't happening. "There must be a better way to do this?" I moaned. "I think there's some lube in the top drawer," she said. "Great," I replied, rubbing it in my eyes. "Let's do this."
True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathaliser test. The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart... The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.' Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'? The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'
I told my wife I was leaving her. "Why?" she sobbed. "I've given you my best years!" "Got it in one," I replied.
A Catholic priest was being honored at his celebration dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. Unfortunately he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words first, while they waited. “My first impressions of this parish were that I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place, judging from the first confession I ever heard here. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set but when questioned by the police, had been able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave an STD to his sister. I was horrified. But as the years went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had actually come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” At that moment the local politician arrived full of apologies at being late, and immediately began to make the presentation. He started: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him to make my confession ...”
When I go on the piss people say I'll regret it in the morning. That's why I wake up at noon. I'm a problem solver.
My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married. She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room ...on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'get your own fucking blanket!' After a moment of silence, he farted.
Stolen from another Forum......I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.
So the Indian Supreme Court just recriminalized sodomy. For a country that has such a bad reputation for rape, you think the last thing they'd want to do was to make consensual sex illegal.
My wife said I can do her up he arse if she gets a diamond ring for Christmas. She can fuck off, her sister lets me do it for three halves of lager.
I sat down to watch Obama at the Mandela memorial with my deaf wife the other day. Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo
man marries a deaf girl, he says we must work out a code,if i want sex i'll stroke your left breast, you reply by pulling my penis once for yes or 150 times for no.
Humour suitable for Daily Mail readers! Apologies if it's been done before,made me chuckle though..... Teaching Maths In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit? Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His costof production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Maths In 2005 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of £20. Teaching Maths In 2009 A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to religious groups not consulted in the application for his felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident However he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clearthe fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor. Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going tomake £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life? Teaching Maths In 2013 A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment benefits for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and,(rather than prosecute for fraud), it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. Teaching Maths 2017 أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. تكلفة الانتاج 80 من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟=
We have a new female postie. I decided to pop my dick through the letter box as a surprise!! She didn't seem amused. I mean she knows where I live so what was the problem with me knowing where she lived?
A concerned woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancé thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you`re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." She goes with the idea and knows her hubby probably will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. She goes to the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her new husband. Her husband slides in and she snaps the elastic band. "OUCH! What the fuck was that?" he shouts. "Oh nothing, honey, that was just my virginity snapping." "Well snap it back again, it's wrapped around my balls!"
