My mum just asked me what bukkake meant. Somewhat embarrassed, I told her to Google it. After a minute of searching on her smartphone she started to giggle, "Well, at least I now know what to call last Friday night then."
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus. "Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says. "Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids." "Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children." "Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the m...an. "Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it." "Dunno 'bout that, " the man said. "Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful." "Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers. Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up. Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?" "47, " came the reply. "What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"
[h=5]Scottish banter for the over 18's [/h]A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck. He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout. They got to the room and he sat down anxio...usly on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had. After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received. After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."
HOW ABOUT SOME TOP TIPS? LOCAL COUNCILS. Instead of wasting money putting speed humps all over the place, simply make anyone convicted of speeding put egg-shaped wheels on their cars. MAKERS OF the Gillette Mach 3 razor. Save money by putting the blade that shaves the closest at the front and forgetting about the other two. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. INTERIM governments. Avoid coalition forces overstaying their welcome by yawning loudly and saying you have an early start in the morning. BARGAIN sofa hunters. If you missed the DFS December Sale, Double Discount Boxing Day Sale, January Clearance Sale and the February End of Winter Sale, don't worry - the Spring Sale starts in March. SUCCESSFUL businessmen. Fool neighbours into thinking you are unemployed by getting up everyday at 4 in the afternoon, putting on a tracksuit smeared with chocolate stains and sitting in the park drinking Kestrel Super. SAVE DOING unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort. SPECTACLE wearers. Rid yourself of cumbersome spectacles by getting a pair of contact lenses. To stop them falling out from time to time, take a length of brass wire, create a figure-8 shape and loop it around the outer rim of each contact lens. For added security, leave an extra length of wire protruding each side that can be used to hold the frame in place by hooking it round your ears
I went into a record shop & asked the sales assistant what he had by The Doors. He replied, "A bucket of sand & a fire blanket."
There's been a robbery round here. Somebody tried robbing a shop, but one of the staff chased him off with a labelling machine. Devon and Cornwall Police are looking for a man with a price on his head....
My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.
The Government have announced a crackdown on immigrants that don't learn English. A new test will be introduced to test immigrants proficiency in English. According to a Cabinet Minister, he insists that we will not tolerate people who don't learn to integrate and speak and write in English and that it sends a "tough message" to immigrants. The 'tough message' will also be available in Urdu, Romanian, African and Pakistani.
My mate said "Are you a tits or an arse man?" I said, "I'm a tits, arse, cunt, fuck man." Bloody tourettes. Can't answer a simple question.
Megan Kelly of Fox News has stated that everyone KNOWS that Jesus and Santa Claus are white. Actually, the only thing we know about them is that if you are over 12 years old and you believe in them both you are a complete dunce.
When I was on holiday in Thailand I was getting worried that the girl I was meeting was actually a man. So I asked her to park my car for me.
Iran claims it has captured an MI6 spy! Hopefully before they start to torture him he has a chance to use his suicide sports bag.
Q. How many ginger people does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None. They prefer to sit in the dark.
