I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day. "What are you here for?" asked the driver. "My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too."
My wife caught me masturbating in the bathroom today. She said sobbing "Please tell me what i can do so this doesn't happen again". I replied "try fucking knocking".
We declared war on drugs and more drugs came into the country. We declared war on terrorists and the terrorists became more prevalent in our country. Maybe we should declare war on jobs and money and see what happens.
My wife was flicking through the channels when she said, "Why is everything on television so biased in favour of men?" I replied, "Never mind that. How the fuck did you get your hands on the remote?"
My wife and I were out with her parents and I was telling them about our new bedroom drapes: I said, "They're magnificent, done in traditional 16th century English style. I close them and nobody would ever be able to see the 2 of us fooling round in bed together." My wife's mum said, "You have Tudor curtains?" "You're damn right," I said. "And sometimes I bite her clitoris.
One of our neigbours is a convicted voyeur, but he's incredibly sociable. He's a real peephole person...
Bought the wife a brand spanking new vibrator for Christmas. Shame it has to go in such a tatty old box.
If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Boro shirt.
I'll never forget my son's face on Christmas morning when he opened his present. It was a picture. He fucking loves pictures.
An Essex girl gets her first period. Horrified, she calls the hospital. "You've got to help me!" she cries. "I'm bleeding!" "Miss, where are you bleeding from?" asks the doctor. "Epping."
Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as the box it came out of. Which is weird because that's how most blokes feel about kids.
My wife doesn't know it yet, but as a treat I'm taking her to the Boxing Day sales. I've got her a part-time job, while I go to the football and the pub with the lads.
