A Priest went to the doctor in a panic and asked him, "What does it mean, Doc, if when I take a pee it burns like the fire of Satan and I have this god-awful drip?" The doctor smiled and said, "It means the altar boy lied, he wasn't a virgin."
I don't understand why so many people said they were shocked by how quickly Christmas came around. It was on the cards for ages.
No Wind or Rain forecast for tomorrow. The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.
My girlfriend said, "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know." Turns out she meant together.
I love playing charades at Xmas. Every year I give my Gran the made up film "Shaking salt onto your tongue".
man teases ex wifes new husband "hows the second hand pussy?" new husband says , its great thanks, after the first two inches, its all brand new,!
Life in the UK and prostitution have quite a bit in common. Except the people who get shafted are supposed to get paid, not the other way round.
My wife said, "If there's one thing I can't stand it's nit-picking pedantry." I replied, "That's two things."
As we came out of the church, my new bride walked across the street, kicked a homeless tramp in the face and spat on him. "What the fuck was that about?," I asked. "Shut up," she replied, "or you'll become an ex husband too."
I miss the good old days when, if someone talked to you about god, you could just nail the cunt to a piece of wood.
A love letter from Prince Albert to Queen Victoria, dated from 1839, has gone on display for the first time. It reads; "I need not tell you that since we left, all my thoughts have been with you at Windsor, and that your image fills my whole soul. 'Even in my dreams I never imagined that I should find so much love on Earth. 'P.S. How do you feel about cock rings?'"
Q. What do women politicans & pigeons have in common? A. They both flap about a lot & don't care who they shit on.
I am amazed that James Blunt has been overlooked in the New Years Honours list for his outstanding contribution to rhyming slang.
