A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, I will make it very fast. I'll throw £1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it up I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, "Do it but ask him for £2000. Pick up the money very fast & he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "What happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins, I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Marriage is very much like a violin. Once the sweet music has finished, the strings are still attached...
An altar boy rushes into the vestry and tells the vicar, 'A man just hobbled into the church on crutches. He sprinkled holy water from the font onto his legs, said a prayer, and then he threw his crutches away!' 'You may just have witnessed a miracle', says the vicar. 'I must speak to that man, where is he now?' 'He’s still in the church', says the boy. 'He's lying on the floor just by the font'.
I was going to watch a documentary on BBC1 last night called 'Living with ADHD'. Only managed to see half of it though because I kept changing channels.
Sad news that one of the Everley Brothers has died. RIP Phil. Was he the one who smoked Everley or the one who drank Everley?
The Uxbridge English Dictionary (Xmas supplement): Advent: Man shouting about his hatred of Xmas commercials. Chestnuts: The result of choosing a bad plastic surgeon. Christmas crackers: Temporary state of madness caused by eating 40,000 calories, drinking a bottle of Baileys, and watching three episodes of ‘Porridge’. Crimbo: Presents wrapped by a prisoner. Decoration: Speech by one half of Ant & Dec. Emanuel: Little book explaining how to work your epresent. Frankincense: To really infuriate someone called Frank. Robin: What the bloke down the pub you bought that dirt cheap XBox off was doing yesterday. Yule log: The inevitable effects of too much Xmas dinner.
I said to the funeral director, "Will it cost extra to bury my mother in law?" He said, "Why, is she a big woman?" I said, "No, still alive."
The mother in law said I scared her half to death when I knocked on her lounge window when I popped round earlier. I'm just off to do it again now........
