So Thomas Hitzlsperger is another famous athlete to come out as gay. This is becoming a Daley occurrence...
Worries about the economy grow again after the world's biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails.
I think the government cuts have gone too far. Where I live, you wait over an hour for a bus and then none come along at once.
A person's religion is usually their own choice. Unless they're Catholic, then it's usually an accident.
Why aren't there any Badminton courts in the jungle? Because there isn't the demand ... Copyright: HMHB
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
My wife stormed out of the house and shouted at me, "You'll never find another one like me." "Yes I will," I replied. "There are plenty more whales in the sea."
Saw a sign saying, 'God is watching over us.' Does he live in a large building just outside Cheltenham???
I saw a bunch of happy-clappy hippie's in a minibus. On one back door it said "where do you want to spend eternity?". On the other door it said "Bedford"... I thought "that sounds like as good a place as anywhere..."
Just went in the chemist and asked for something like Germoloids or Preparation H. She said, "They're over there on the bottom shelf."
Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, was arrested for fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at Camborne Magistrates Court, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing an allotment on his way home from a drinking session and decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and had been unaware of his audience until PC Brenda Taylor approached him. Her evidence was as follows : 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure, I walked up to Lawrence who was just banging away at this pumpkin.' She went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .. 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly taken by surprise that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin?..... Shit!... Is it midnight already?' With that, the Courtroom erupted into laughter The Magistrates could not contain their mirth and deferred sentencing until they felt they could be serious. The West Briton wrote an article describing this as the "Best come-back line ever"
I received conflicting opinions from 2 dieticians regarding a bacon butty: Dietician 1: "Just eat the bread if you want to lose weight." Dietician 2: "Just eat the bacon if you want to lose weight." I decided to eat both & lose twice as much weight...
Last week I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids. First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.
An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to 'Mum and Dad' on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads: Dear Mum & Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too. I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the deer. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Sandra P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes 5-0.
"Why don't you ever call me at work and talk dirty to me?" Asked my wife. "Because it costs £3.95 a minute." I replied.
