The media say it's ridiculous that David Cameron's barber got an MBE.. But imagine the restraint it takes not to stab the cunt.
David Cameron was out walking his dog with Nick Clegg when they decided to stop and have a drink outside the pub. After 20 minutes a guy walks out of the pub, kneels beside the dog, lifts up it's tail and stares at it with a look of confusion. "What the hell do you think your doing" says David Cameron, to which the man replies; "my mate just told me there was a dog outside with 2 arseholes"
I went to see my doctor about a problem with my testicles. During examination, she said, "You're going to have to stop masturbating." "Why, I said?" "Because I'm trying to examine your testicles."
The badger cull costs £4000 for each badger shot. You could just shout "look out the badger has a gun" and the police would do it for free.
I can home from work after a very stressful day, and asked my wife for sex tonight. She said, "If you wash the dishes, I'm all yours." "So that's a no then."
Pulled a gypsy bird last night, she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time, and she wasn't fecking kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish.
My wife said that she's gone off sex and doesn't mind if I get it somewhere else. Or, as she put it, "I've got a headache."
"You always come home from work in a bad mood." said the missus, "I can't remember the last time you walked through that door with a smile on your face." "Of course you can't." I grumbled, "You weren't fucking living here."
President Hollande's partner collapsed yesterday on discovering his affair with an actress. Makes me think England's cricketers knew about it weeks ago
Gay guy goes into a proctologist and says "Doc I have a bit of a problem". Doctor bends him over and says "Well here's your problem, you have a piece of lettuce sticking out of your arse." "Doc that's just the tip of the iceberg"
I arrived at the hotel in Thailand weary from my journey. The girl behind reception welcomed me then said, "You must be tired, how can we help you relax?" I replied that I was and I just wanted to sink into a Lazyboy. Two hours later, I was more fucking knackered than when I arrived.
Sad news from the local greengrocer's. A man was crushed beneath a pile of fallen fruit pallets. Reports say he was berried alive...
If you're flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?", your answer should always be "Yes". Well, if you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.
I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas. I don't know if she's going to bed or going shopping.
"I tried sucking myself off this morning," I said to my mate, "Does that make me a weirdo?" "Of course not," he replied. I said, "Well that's what the people on the bus were calling me."
