Joke Page

BBC News Latest: French president had affair with actress 18 years younger than him.

I'd say that's pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives.

 

My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."

 

I was filling in for another teacher at a Catholic School, and began by checking the attendance.

"Father Mark? Father James? Father John?................Oops, wrong register."

 

I fucking love science.

It gives me a Hadron

 

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"

She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the bloody mop out again!!"

 

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"

Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

 

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Bloody lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

 

If I refuse to take a nap, is that a case of resisting a rest?

 

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.

Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

 

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work.

"Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."

"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.

"No, I was standing on it."