The local slag told me she'd only have sex if we're engaged. "Okay, okay," I said, locking the door on the pub toilet. "Happy now?"
"I've did some digging, mate," I said to my best friend. "Your wife has been cheating on you for the past two weeks." Confused, he said, "But she died three weeks ago." "I know," I replied. "I just told you I was digging."
I asked the wife to dress up sexy for a bit of role play, but she said she didn't feel like it. I said 'Go on, be a lamb'. So she got up, went to the bedroom and came back wearing a nurse's outfit. I said 'What part of 'be a lamb' didn't you understand'?
Some men think lingerie shots are more erotic than all-out pornography. I prefer to see the hole picture.
My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!" "You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that." "Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number?"
David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .
After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a cuddle would be least I could expect. Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager.
A nun gave birth in Italy last week. The Vatican have vehemently denied that the father could be a Catholic priest. She's 31.
I was in a restaurant when I noticed Katie Price was sitting across from my table. I said, "Wow! I can't believe it." Giggling, she asked, "You can't believe what, honey?" I replied, "Your legs are crossed."
"Son, if you piss really hard into the bowl, it makes your willy sound bigger." "That's great Dad, but you've ruined my cornflakes."
A tourist had to take an eye test whilst visiting an Alaskan island. But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
I went for a job interview with British Rail today and the manager said, "Can you explain why you are 2 hours late?" I replied, "Sorry about that, but there was a leaf on my driveway."
