I texted my daughter today, "You forgot to make your bed." "Why would I make my bed when I'm just going to sleep in it again tonight?" she responded. I said, "Do you wipe your arse?"
I walked up to a bloke in the pub last night and said, "My wife is due to give birth any day now." "That's great." he smiled, "What are you having?" I said, "Thanks I'll have a pint of Guinness."
Wayne Rooney has been told he will not be allowed to leave to one of United's main rivals, which currently rules out Norwich and Southampton
I ordered a small Cappuccino in Starbucks this morning and gave the cashier a £50 note. "Is this all you've got?" she asked. "I'm afraid so." I replied, "Is that a problem?" "Of course it's a problem," she said, "You're 65p short."
I got pulled over by the police last night and the officer pulled out a breathalyser and said, "Could you blow into this please sir." I pointed to my wife in the back seat and replied, "She's driving."
Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet? A. To put out fires. Q. Why do elephants have flat feet? A. To put out burning ducks.
After much nagging from his wife, my mate tried out a new hearing aid. He took it back because he could still hear her.
The doctor said to the man "The tests have come back, I'm afraid you've two things wrong with you, you've got cancer and you've"... The man gasped.... The doctor carried on sympathetically "...and I'm afraid you've got Alzheimer's..." The man sighed with relief "well at least I haven't got cancer!"...
I see that the guy that wrote the Hokey Cokey has just died aged 89. The traumatic part was putting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in then the trouble started!!
A lorry carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway & spilled its load this morning. Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for up to 8 hours....
I had a friend ( he was quite cocky ) who wanted to be a jockey and was starting off race riding in apprentice races . He rode a horse one day where the trainer said to him "This horse will win, you just need to say "1-2-3 Hup as you approach each jump". So the lad went out and as he came to each jump he said "1-2-3 Hup" and the horse was jumping brilliantly. After jumping the second last fence he took a long look round and saw that he was streets ahead. Being a bit young and cocky, he turns the style on going down to the last fence and decides he will be safe and just let the horse go in and pop it, only for the horse to flip over. A distraught jockey came back into the paddock where he was greeted by an angry trainer. The trainer asks what went wrong at the last fence and the jockey says that "he thought he had the race in safe keeping so he didn't say anything to the horse and just let him pop the fence." The trainer says "You fool!" and the jockey says "why?" "Because the horse is blind"
Bacon and an egg are in a hot frying pan. "Bloody hot in here", said the egg. "Fuck me - a talking egg", said the bacon.
