After going to see 12 Years A Slave at my local cinema, I now understand how it feels to be exploited and robbed of your dignity by ruthless, mercenary overseers. £4.20 for a Pepsi Max.
I got home and my wife was being fucked by the art teacher next door. "What the fuck is going on?" I yelled. "Do you want me to draw you a fucking picture?" He replied.
If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 60mph, in a forward direction with no obstacles, at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident?
Does the Art teacher come from next door or are your wife and the art teacher in the building adjacent to your house? This one is a little ambiguous.
I just emailed my application form for the dominatrix club... I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission.
I wish I'd found the Genie's lamp before I got stoned. Now I have two dune buggys and a penguin that keeps asking me how to drive a dune buggy.
My mate told me he went all the way on 'Flappy Bird' last night. Although I understand her real name is Sharon, & the correct terminology is 'Elongated Labia'...
I was in a bookshop and really lit up when I saw a book called "Living on £4 a Day". The fucker cost £12.95.
I don't know why the athletes are surprised at the poor living conditions in Sochi. If you ban gays from your town your interior design is going to suffer.
The Irish ice hockey team have pulled out of the Winter Olympics after testing the facilities last night. Coach Paddy Murphy said "I'm not letting my boys out there it's too fecking slippy"
