My daughter came home from school bragging about how much her concentration and attention to detail have improved. 'look at this letter dad, it says I have excelled.' 'That says expelled, you daft twat' I replied
I said to this massive EDL supporter in the pub: "Ok then, supposing you reach your goal and all immigrants are repatriated, what are you going to do then?" "I don't know," he replied, "probably get an education."
Did you hear about the guy who was into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality His friends told him to give it up as he was fogging a dead horse.
My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks. Today a group of official-looking people pulled up outside in a boat. "Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to save us?" "No." They replied, "We're collecting donations for the Conservative party."
My wife said, " Man v food? Why can't they have woman v food for a change? " I replied, "Because they like to see the food win occasionally."
I was at Dawlish railway station today, when the announcer said: "The train now standing on platform 2, should really be on the track."
I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, so I did the twist. They played jump, so I jumped. They played "Come on Eileen" and that's when I got kicked out.
My wife said that she always wanted to see what Venice looked like. So this weekend I'm taking her to Somerset.
My wife bought one of those memory foam mattresses for our bed. She went away to her mother's for a few days and is due back tomorrow. I'm shitting myself. Is there any way to delete the memory?
I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie." She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman.
I went to the doctor's asking if he could do anything about my schizophrenia. "It's dangerous to self-diagnose, Mr. Adams," he said, "What makes you think you are suffering from schizophrenia?" "Because God has been talking to me," I replied, "And I'm an Atheist."
3rd appearance of this joke in this thread. 1st by me in Jan 2013, then by you in Feb 2103. I've also almost posted jokes I previously posted - must be an age thing. Certainly is in my case....:wink:
I've just arrived at the camouflage club and can see we have a big turnout. Which is very disappointing....
Flappy Bird creator Dong Nguyen has removed the game from the App Store. This makes him the first computer programmer in history to successfully pull a bird.
