Q. What's the difference between a chickpea & a lentil? A. I wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on my face.
Two dyslexic skiiers are stood at the bottom of a slope. one says, "that was great zagging and zigging between the flags", The other says "no we were zigging and zagging" "no we were zagging and zigging" The discussion goes on until a bloke towing a sled walks past. "Excuse me" says a skiier "can you settle and argument? if we are skiing down the slope in and out of the flags, are we Zigging and Zagging or Zaging and Zigging?" "Don't ask me Im a tobogganist" says the sled tower. In that case I'll have 20 Benson and Hedges please"!
There's a new craze going around amongst teenagers in which they down a pint whilst doing something really stupid. It's called Friday night..
Riding a Honda is like getting a blow-job from a bloke... It feels pretty good until you look down and realise that you are gay...
Billy's teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his dad. "My dad's an exotic dancer in a gay club and he takes all his clothes off for men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and sleep with them." The teacher quickly sets the other children some work and takes little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Q: What's the difference between Eric Pickles & a sandbag? A: A sandbag is both useful & has a certain amount of charm.
woman meets a man in a bar and goes back to his place. during the evening she notices 3 rows of teddy bears sat on shelves in his bed room. bottom shelf has small bears, middle shelf bigger bears and large bears on the top. woman thinks that bloke must be sensitive and he could be the one. so she fucks & sucks him and takes it up the arse. next morning the woman asks bloke "how was i"? bloke replies "not to bad at all, help yourself to any prize off the middle shelf.
Musical artists have released a song to raise money for flood victims. It's called 'Trouble over Bridgewater'.
Reginald Perrin’s shop“GROT” – Complete List of Products: undrinkable wine tasteless puddings square hoops stringless guitars clangerless bells lightweight weights unstrung tennis rackets empty biscuit tins doorless birdcages broken crockery breakable cricket balls silent LPs upright models of the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning models of the Eiffel Tower bottomless ashtrays square footballs round dice white pills which don’t do anything insoluble suppositories oversize eggcups cruet sets with no holes blank books fattening foods for masochists on diets car stickers reading: ‘We’ve been to the shop that sells car stickers','We haven't been anywhere', and 'This sticker doesn't stick' rungless ladders Dutch-Dutch dictionaries pianos with no keys non-stick glue rubber razor blades for nervous shavers porous waterbeds heat-resistant saucepans mousetraps made entirely of cheese elastic tow-ropes for drivers you don’t like cheque books for the ‘Dogger Bank’ tins of snow (melted) self-lowering flour empty cardboard boxes a guess-what-it’s-for machine dentures for pets edible furniture pictures of the Algarve
The Guardian: "Further storms to batter the UK" The Sun : "Worst storms to hit the UK since 1700" Daily Star: "Help We Are Drowning" Daily Mail: "Duchess Kate sparkles in blue gown"
I've just released an alternative to 'I can't believe it's not butter'. 'What the fuck is it?' is available in all good supermarkets.
I've recently started carrying a Doner Card. It allows someone to eat my kebab in the event that I am too pissed to do so.
The wife and I got our baby home from hospital today. She suggested that I had a go at changing its nappy. I said "I'm busy, I'll change the next one." Three hours later, she asked again. "I meant the next baby."
My mate moved moved house from Bridgewater to Taunton today because of the floods. He didn't even know about it until he woke up.
The Somerset floods are getting worse by the week. Today, a rescue boat was held hostage by Somali pirates.
