My house in Somerset has now doubled in value. A few weeks ago it was over 30 miles from the coast. Now we can advertise it as having a sea view....
The BBC has announced record viewing figures for the Winter Olympics in Sochi, after a household in High Wycombe cancelled Sky, and added four extra viewers to the existing twenty five.
Two chinese men decide to break into a distillery - one said is that whiskey? - his mate replied, yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!
Congratulations to Lizzy Yarnold for winning Gold in the Winter Olympics. The expert coaching provided by David Beckham on how to ride the skeleton was invaluable.
The Aga Khan is apparently the richest man in Britain. I never realised there was so much money in selling cookers...
This was funny at the time - remember a helicopter crash in Scotland? ....."bar staff wanted in Glasgow. Must be able to work on a rotor"
My mate said he was flashed by a speed camera going through Staines today. He couldn't understand it, he was only doing 30 knots.
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big croc, "What have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," Replied the small croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament." "'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Limos and wait for one to unlock The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!" "Ah!" Says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. Those politicians with limos are cabinet ministers. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a cabinet minister there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."
I got back to my wife's hospital room around an hour after she 'd given birth and she said "Where have you been?" "Just the Registry Office," I replied. "How's Adolf?" She said, "Who the fuck is Adolf?"
Went to the doctors today to have a some tests. The doctor came out and said 'I have some good news and some bad news, but dont worry, I will tell your widow the good news.
My wife said, "How come you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre." I said, "How come you never take me to the strip club?"
My ex-wife told all her mates that I have a small penis and I'm shit in bed. As if they didn't already know.
Ellen Page has come out of the closet. I wish these fucking celebrities would just shut the fuck up - there'll be even more fucking rain now.
Went poaching with a trappist monk last night. Useless twat didn't even say sorry when he caught naff all..
Austria's greatest achievements: Convincing the world that Beethoven was Austrian, and Hitler was German....
