When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought - "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."
The editor of lads' mag Nuts has closed the publication and sent all the staff at their headquarters home, blaming the easy availability of online pornography for its demise. Hardly the first time internet porn has led to Nuts being emptied, is it?
I was about to begin my driving test: "Right," said the instructor. "I want you to pull away from the test centre." I said, "I saw your mum in the pub last night." "Um... OK," he said. "Please pull away." "She blew me a kiss," I continued. "She was looking fine." "Just start the test," he said, clenching his teeth. "At the end of the night we went back to hers," I said. "And I fucked her like a rockstar." "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" he screamed. "START THE FUCKING TEST!" "Calm down," I said. "I'm just trying to find the biting point."
I came home from work early yesterday to find my wife in bed with my best mate, so I dragged him out of the bed and down the stairs and took him into the garden shed where i put his cock in the vice. He screamed "Dave, Your not going to chop my cock off are you!?" I Replied " No you are, I'm setting fire to the shed!"
hat's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
The mother in law's new dog is a very effective anti-rape measure. It's much better looking than she is...
Got really pissed last night & ended up shagging a woman with an incredibly tight vagina & the biggest clit I've ever seen. I think she said her name was Colin.....
A young colleague asked what it was like being married. My reply was, "Try chaining yourself to a wild animal. Then kick the wild animal."
The wife just tried & my glasses & asked, "Do these suit me?" I could only answer, "How the hell should I know?"
Well as Pete posted a Noah joke, what about a mathematical Noah joke? So the ark runs aground on Mt Ararat and the rain stops. Noah leads out all the animals and says "Go forth and multiply, come back in 2 years time to see me" 2 years pass and all the animals come marching back, all with offspring and Noah is very pleased except a pair of snakes. "What have you been doing all this time" booms the great one, "We tried honest Noah we really tired but its just not in our nature" and why not retorts a more than pissed off Noah, "Because we're adders" (I should intercede at this point to state that the joke is merely an arithmetic joke at this point) "Well I want you to go back out and try again, here's a book to help you with different positions and techniques" "Ok say the shamefaced snakes we'll do our best" "Come back in year and there better be Offspring or there will be trouble" retorts the great one, and with these words ringing in their ears they leave. So a year passes and Noah is waiting anxiously for their return, when slithering over the hill comes the 2 snakes complete with a whole lot of little snakes. Noah is overjoyed, "You have fulfilled the lord's request and done his work praise be, but tell me if you tried so hard before and got nowhere, what changed, did the book help?" "Well yes" said the snakes "We found out about the Rhythm Method" "Hang on, Hang on, does that not stop you having offspring" replies, a clearly baffled Noah at this point. "Ahh yes said the adders but we used The Logarithm Method" (Loud groan and at this point the story transforms into a maths joke) What do you lot expect? I'll get ma coat
I phoned the spiritual leader of Tibet & later received a large goat with a long neck. It turns out I phoned Dial-a-Lama..
Search and rescue teams looking for the missing Malaysian airliner say they have located the wings .... the search for the wangs and the wongs will continue.
I didn't have a flutter on the Grand National this year. Last year my horse started at Aintree at 33/1, and finished up in Tesco at 2 for 1.
Two small pieces of metal found floating off Western Australia have been identified ..... as laptops belonging to Rolf Harris!
