When my daughter was born she had jaundice. There she was - small, round and yellow. So we called her Melanie.
I bought a new Malaysian mobile phone today - I turned flight mode on and now I can't find the f**king thing !
The mother in law heard the ice cream van outside our house & asked, "Any chance of buying me one?" I said, "Feck off, you can't even drive!"
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
What's the fuss with Oscar Pistorius? He's not the first bloke to be legless and shoot a load into his missus thinking she was someone else!
The mother in law announced she is to marry again, "This time it's to a witch doctor." I had to ask the question, "Why?" She said. "Pwobably for financial secuwity."
I had a racing snail once and I thought to make it faster I would take its shell off. But to be honest it made more sluggish.
Just invented a brilliant new product: Cock-shaped chocolates. To be marketed as a dietary aid for married women, as they are less likely to put them in their mouths...
Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A. Because any woman who can't afford her own washing machine, probably won't be able to support you.
They say the best way to prepare your kids for loss in later life is to have pets. So I bought a puppy and shot it in front of them. I'm not having my kids growing up damaged.
I'm not saying my wife's greedy but, on her birthday, she ate her cake so fast that we had to prise her mouth open to blow the candles out.
I saw my midget neighbour at the bus stop this morning, so I said "Hop in, I'll give you a lift." He said "Fuck off." "What an ungrateful bastard," I thought, as I zipped up my back pack and kept walking.
People are saying that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties. But if that were true, with the amount of wanking I do, my bed would probably make itself.
If you ask me, Parkinson's disease is way better than Alzheimer's. I'd rather spill half my pint than forget where I left the full one.
