A Scotsman walks into a bakery and says "Excuse me, is that an apple pie or a Meringue?" The baker replies "No, you're not wrong, it's an apple pie".
My mate likes looking at himself in the mirror whilst masturbating. The passengers on his bus aren't so keen though.....
Two tramps are walking along a railway line and they find a dead cat. "Great" says the first one "that's lunch sorted. Want to share it?". The second tramp declines, so the first one eats the whole thing... About half an hour later the first tramp is feeling really unwell, and he throws up all the dead cat he ate earlier. "Ah" says the second tramp, "that's what I was waiting for - a warm meal!"
America are sending out a crack unit to find the kidnapped school girls in Nigeria. Britain are sending Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris, Max Clifford & Dave Lee Travis
Bought a new sweater today, but I'm taking it back for a refund. The label says, 'One size fits all.' But I could only squeeze myself & just 3 of my mates into it....
A man walked into a bar and took a seat. Before he could order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him said, "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tried to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and ordered a fine Black Sheep Ale. The bowl of pretzels then said, "Ooooh Black Sheep, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the man said to the bartender, "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" The bartender replied, "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
