Q. What's the difference between Snow White & the Brazilian football team? A. Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in....
World Cup refund After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction...
I put my glasses on the dog today & nearly pissed myself laughing. Then the wife came home & told me to stop using him as a beer table.
When I finally die I'd like to go just like my grandad, peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers.
Brazilian goalkeeper Julio Cesar has had his PC confiscated after it was discovered he couldn't even save a Microsoft Word document...
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mother if Fred and Mary are up yet? She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mother replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mother replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mother says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mother replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Q. What's the difference between prison showers & an internet forum. A. Rolf Harris can get into the showers.
The mother in law's diet is going really well & she's stopped making bitchy comments. Ever since I switched her lip gloss for superglue....
My 86-year old neighbour reminded me that if it hadn't been for him & his generation we would all be speaking German now. He pointed this out as he unloaded the Lidl shopping bags from the boot of his Audi...
On his birthday, my mate's wife gave him a gift voucher for a parachute jump. In the pub on the evening after he'd been to the airfield, my mate told me that once they were at 10,000ft the instructor said, "If you don't jump I'm going to take you up the arse!" I asked, "Did you jump?" My mate said, "A bit, when he first put it in...."
Wayne Rooney is alleged to have sent a text to Lionel Messi: "At least we didn't leave the World Cup with Losers Medals..."
An Italian’s Tale: I’ma come here to a hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waiter I wanna two piss toast. He bringa me only onea piss. I tella him I wanna two piss--he say, “Go to the toilet.” I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna two piss ona my plate.” He say, “You better no piss ona da plate you son of a bitch.” I don’t even know the man and he calla me son of a bitch!! Later, I go to eata soma dinner at another restaurant. The waitress bringa spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I say, “I wanna fock.” She tella me everbody wanna fock. I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna fock on the table.” She say, “You better not fock on the table you son of a bitch.” I don’t even know the woman an’ she calla me son of a bitch! So I go back to my hotel, an’ there’s no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager an’ tell him I wanna sheet on the bed. He say, “You better not sheet on the bed you son of a bitch.” I don’t even know the man an’ he calla me son of a bitch! So I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say, “Peace to you.” I say, “Piss onna you too you son of a bitch!!” I go back to Italy!
