I was horribly embarrassed when I managed to pee on my finger this morning. I had to get out of the lift to wash my hands.
Steve Gerrard has announced his retirement from international football - with effect from just before the World Cup.
Not saying the mother in law is fat..... But the longest diet she's ever been on was the 15-minute walk to the chippy.
My mate has been too scared to go near his fridge - until I explained the difference between Hamas & Hummus.
My mate says there is no difference between arse to mouth and mouth to mouth. Which is probably why he was thrown off the CPR course...
Took the mother in law to Starbucks & she asked for a coffee with no cream. The girl on the counter said, "We're out of cream anyway." So the mother in law said, "Ok, I'll have a coffee with no milk."
Jimmy Saville was a lying sod. He spent all those years advertising British Rail, when all the time he was riding virgins.
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
The President of France has committed to use the full technology & power of the French military to locate the plane that has gone missing in Mali. Once they find the plane, the French army will place a white flag next to it.
