Surfing seems to be a lot like my sex life. She lays down, I struggle to get on top, I struggle to stay up, I'm a long way from where she wants to be and after a 100 strokes I'm still no fecking closer. I get a brief ride, end up wet and salty and spend the next 24 hours picking crabs out of my pubes.
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.
My new blonde secretary is disappointed. I've just explained to her that Poland is not a Tellytubby-themed amusement park.
My mate sent a text to his new mother in law: "Your product (daughter) is not cooking food properly." His mother in law replied by text: "Product sold. Seal subsequently opened - warranty expired. Manufacturer no longer responsible."
When I was younger I was too embarassed to use the word "condom" at the chemist, so used to say " Can I have some of them rubber things that you roll over your cock so that when you are porking your bitch and shoving into her minge you don't come in her and get her up the stick and all that shit?"
As it's our wedding anniversary the wife had arranged a suprise trip for me. Turned out to be a visit to the church where we married, to renew our marriage vows. If someone had told me they had run out, I would have done a runner ages ago.
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so." I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
My mate walked into the pub last night & the barman said, "What'll you have?" My mate said, "Surprise me." So the barman showed us all a naked photo of my mate's wife.
