Q. Which road sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in Finland? A. 'You are approaching the Russian border.'
Mick, Paddy & Seamus worked at the top of scaffolding on a construction site. At lunchtime they opened their sandwich boxes. Mick said, "Cheese & tomato. If I get cheese & tomato sandwiches one more time I'll jump off this scaffolding." Paddy said, "Ham & pickle. If I get ham & pickle sandwiches one more time I'll jump off this scaffolding." Seamus said, "Corned beef. If I get corned beef sandwiches one more time I'll jump off this scaffolding." Next day they again opened their sandwich boxes. "Cheese & tomato!" Shouted Mick & he jumped to his death. "Ham & pickle!" Shouted Paddy & he jumped to his death. "Corned beef!" Shouted Seamus & he jumped to his death. A joint funeral was held for the 3 men & at the graveside the wives were sobbing. "If I'd known how he felt about them, I would have stopped making cheese & tomato sandwiches!" Wailed Mick's wife. "If I'd known how he felt about them, I would have stopped making ham & pickle sandwiches!" Wailed Paddy's wife. Everyone turned & stared at a silent Seamus's wife. "Don't look at me." She said, "He made his own feckin' sandwiches."
They tell me that you should bury a politician a least 100 feet. Because, deep down, they are all decent human beings.
The vast majority of Man Utd fans are now considering switching to support a team from their own country.
Man Utd fans are begging for the club's number one legend & hero to return. They want Howard Webb to come out of retirement..
899 haters, get colour blindness, that way you won't even know if you have Elizabeth duke forks or a novelty display screen
Billy stopped Paddy on a Dublin street and asked him the quickest way to Cork. Paddy said, “Are you on foot or in the car?” Billy said, “In the car.” Paddy replied, “That’s the quickest way.”
Teacher: “If you have two apples and, when you get home, your father gives you one… What have you got?” Little Johnny: “Two apples and a sore arse, Sir.”
Latest research shows that women have two, not one 'time of the month' occasions when they become moody, over-sensitive & emotionally unstable. Morning & night.....
Thursday night he gradually came out of his coma . Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I just feel your tits instead then?”
Someone should invent a social network especially for people who can't spell and have no concept of grammar. They could call it "Fasebuk"...
Must get my bad hearing sorted, it's getting me into trouble. I thought the girlfriend asked me to jizz on her tits. She actually asked me to pass the gravy to her dad...
My daughter was angry after she was marked down on some biology homework I helped her with. Apparently 'Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall' is not the correct answer to the question: "Name 2 things that can be found in a cell"
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
My mate phoned me up today and told me he was in casualty... I've watched six episodes on the BBC i-player so far, and I can't see the lying git !
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hunting buffalo one day to no avail. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to ground and says, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know that?" Tonto replies, "Ear sticky." Featured on August 28, 2014
