I spent some time at the mother in law's grave earlier. She's not dead, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
I used to be embarrassed by my geology fetish. I started off stroking gravel, but now I'm feeling a little boulder.
The wife asked, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" I said, "Because I don't want to wake you."
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now f**k off you c*nt!"
I woke up this morning, freezing cold, stuck in a glass dish with cream and raspberries up my arse. I think someone's made a fool out if me.
When I was growing up my parents covered me with cream, sponge and cherries. Life was hard growing up in the gateaux
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African… walk into a restaurant. “I’m sorry,” says the maître d’… “You can’t come in here without a Thai.
My mate just showed me a photo he's found of him sucking his mum's tit. Must have been a crazy wake they held for her last night....
Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower
Bumped into Lenny Henry at the weekend. He says he's much happier now he no longer has to wake up at the crack of Dawn each day.
