An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.
A large hole has has just opened up across two carriageways of the M6, Police say that they are looking into it. In a separate incident a lorry load of wigs was involved in accident turning the lorry over and spilling its cargo, Police say that they are combing the area. Meanwhile a man has been murdered by the unusual method of stuffing his throat full of cornflakes and weetabix, Police say that they are looking for a cereal killer.
It's the wife's birthday soon. When I asked what she wanted for a present she said, "Any Apple product should do." Just bought 2 tins of Strongbow in Tesco - result!
For our anniversary I said to the wife that I'd take her on a mystery tour. You should have seen her face when I showed her the kitchen!
Bloke goes to the doctors and says "Some days I think that I'm a wigwam, and on other days I think that I'm a teepee". The doctor says "I think you're two tents"
“I play all my Country and Western music backwards – your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic.”
News Update: David Cameron has promised there will be no British boots on the ground in Iraq or Syria. In other news, the British Army is to equip soldiers with boots made in China...
The mother in law complained to me, "I think you're fatist!" I replied, "No, you're definitely fattest."
My dyslexic mate bought a sex manual. His girlfriend dumped him after she got bored lying in bed while he searched for her vinegar.
Pulled a fat, ugly bird last night. Whilst staggering drunk back to her place I asked her, "Have you got a light?" She replied, "Yes." I said, "Good. Keep it off love, then I won't have to look at your face whilst we're shagging."
“I went to a restaurant the other day called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
The wife stopped to ask directions when we she was driving us in the car yesterday. "What's the quickest way into town?" She asked the passer-by. "Swap seats with your husband." He replied.
Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland... Sorry - that should read "walks into a bar in the United Kingdom"...
