I've been trying to persuade my Mrs to run 1 mile in the morning, and another one in the evening. When she asked me "Is it so I can be as slim and fit as the days when we were courting?" I said "No, it's because you'll be 14 miles away by the end of the week, now get those trainers on!"
Now that's strange, a fly has just come into the room and before I had a chance of swatting it it exploded! I think that it must be one of those jihadi long legs!
Did you know that statistically you are more likely to be involved in an accident within a mile from home? Well I think I've got the answer that'll keep everyone safe..... Move house!
Here's hoping they never find life on another planet. Because if they do, our fecking government will find more British firms to sell to them so they can use us as a cheap tax haven.
The first woman on the Moon: Woman: "Houston, we have a problem." Houston: "What is it?" Woman: "Nothing." Houston: "No, come on - what's the problem?" Woman: "Never mind." Houston: "Please tell us what the problem is." Woman: "You know what the problem is." Houston: "Feck."
The seven dwarfs always left early each morning to go to work in the mine. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunches and take them to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunches, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. 'Hello. Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!' For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?' Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, “VOTE FOR ALEC SALMOND” Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive! .
DAVID CAMERON'S RECENT GOOGLE HISTORY - what is Ebola? - can you privatise Ebola? - can you use taxpayer's money to pay for Ebola & then sell it off to your cronies to make them even richer? - can you blame Ebola on previous government? - what is UKIP's Ebola policy?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about
Definition of Twerk A lady shaking her arse in a provocative sexual nature And the Nothern definition Some where you go to mon-fri 9-5
Scientists have just revealed that the ebola virus can live in semen for up to 2 months. Could be a good time to buy shares in soap powder manufacturers, as blokes start washing their socks...
Reports claim that Oscar Pistorius has settled into prison life. His cell mate was quoted as saying, "We get on well, and I'm helping him find his feet."
You gotta love the Irish!!!!! Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals. Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in." "But we're only privates," protests Paddy. "We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we're privates," says Paddy. "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!" So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lassies comes up to Mick. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea." Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up. Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?" "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates & we're Lance Corporals now! "
Two Jewish lads, Manny and Josef are sitting in a bar when a beautiful leggy blonde walks in. Manny turns to Josef and says, "Oi vey Josef, I'd lend her one! "
