After leaving the bar, the boys are walking down the road when they see a gang of skinheads walking up towards them. As they draw closer they can see the skinheads pulling out some weapons, so Josef turns to Manny and says, "Oi Manny it looks like those skinheads are going to mug us already" Manny replies "I think you're right, here's that fiver I owe you"
Two Irish lads are sitting in a bar having a drink, when one turns to the other and say's, "Hey Shamus, my Da's harder than your Da" Shamus get the hump, and replies, "Mick you're talking a right load of old shoite, my Da is ten times harder than your Da" Mick says, "Take that back or I'll punch your teeth right down your throat!" to which Shamus say's "Oh yeah well come on then take your best shot" So a fight breaks out between the two of them, hammering 8 bells out of one another. A bloke at the bar turns to the barman and say's, " I see the Murphy twins are in again"
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show. ”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?” “Sticks”. said Paddy.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic said, "Are you comfortable? " The old man replied, "I make a good living."
A man passed out on the beach in Naples, Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?" The Doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Hooter's Stop After a long day on the tennis court, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told him, "The one who knows how to fix elevators." I'm old, tired, and pee a lot...
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night 30 years ago. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried....
I've just finished reading Martina Navratilova's autobiography; for anyone interested it's called, How I licked them all at Wimbledon.
A little old lady takes her two dead cats to the taxidermists, and asked him to stuff them for her. The taxidermist asks "Do you want them mounted?" "Good lord no" replies the old lady "They were just good friends!"
Always wondered why the wife likes Chinese food so much. I've just realised Won Ton is backwards spelling for not now...
The inventor of the hay baling machine died recently. Apparently his family are set for life - he made a bundle.
Police have recently attended a murder scene where 3 victims have been found having been choked to death. Upon examination the first was found to have Cornflakes rammed down his throat, the second had the same MO but the assailant used Weetabix, and the third had Cheerios. A spokesman for the Met confirms that they are looking for a cereal killer.
My mate told me he had just bought a dildo rail from B&Q. I said, "I think you mean a dado rail." He replied, "No it's definitely a dildo, I'm going to put it up myself."
Recent additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary: Acoustic = a Scottish cattle prod Aerofoil = a chocolate wrapper Biassed = having four buttocks Blemish = the official language of Belgium Canopy = a tin of urine Cashew = bank teller with a cold Egalitarian = one who only eats birds of prey Grating = Jamaican elephant Gringo = Mexican traffic lights O'clock = an Irish clock Po-pourri = aroma of dried Teletubby Spectator = short-sighted potato Twig = Yorkshireman's toupee Warbling = jewellery worn in combat Wifi = the eye of a wife
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?" says the hippie. "Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
The mother in law got herself one of those facial mudpacks & looked great for a couple of days. Then the mud fell off...
