Mr Cadbury met Mss Rowntree on a Double Decker.It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.He asked her name.'Polo I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.'I'm Marathon,the one with the nuts',he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dib Dab started to itch. Turns out Mss Rowntree had ben with Bertie Basset and he's got bloody Allsorts!!!
Two old ladies sitting in a haunted house. A figure dressed in a white sheet and waving his arms around appears at the door and says "Hocus Pocus" One of the old dears says "You can forget about the Hocus !"
OK a bit of a juvenile Festive joke here.... What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? Snowballs!
The mother in law just lost her best friend & the wife asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with the kid's Xbox.
After showering at the gym, my mate started putting on a pair of women's lace knickers. I asked him, "How long have you been wearing women's knickers?" He replied, "Since my wife found a pair of them in the glovebox of my car."
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman 2 English men and 1 English woman One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman...
The dog started shitting in the house, so the wife told me to take it to the vet. The vet said it was the healthiest looking dog shit he'd seen in ages.
Two eagles are flying along when a jet screams past them. One eagle says, "Man...did you see how fast that thing was going?" The other eagle says, "You'd go that fast, too, if you're asshole was on fire."
Two midgets chip in for a lottery ticket, and they win, so to celebrate, they get two motel rooms next to each other, and two hookers. They each go into a room with a girls. The first midget just sits there, staring at the girl. All night, he just stares at her. He's a midget, he doesn't know what to say to a whore. And the whole night he hears from next door, "Unh! Oh! Uhn! Oh!" The next morning the two midgets walk out of their motel rooms. The first midget says, "I didn't know what to say to her." The second midget says, "I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."
I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans. Got a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
My mate wishes to thank Wonga for lending him a small amount of money in order to enable him to feed his family this month. He says he'll be forever indebted to them.
I'm convinced my mate watches way too much porn. He's started spitting on his hot dogs before he eats them.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet a few years ago, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French." A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 3 feet in the Darnall area of Sheffield, South Yorkshire in 2011, Pete Hibberd, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Pete has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.
North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours. They call it a cyber-attack. It the west it's better known as Windows Update.
