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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Because times are hard i'm gonna start a new venture. Its a Gym that develops power walking combined with door knocking. Ill call it Jehova's Fitness!
     
    #521 Phartycr0c, Sep 18, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
    A. One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
     
    #522 Rudolph Hart, Sep 18, 2012
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  3. I don`t want you all to worry but I`m typing this on my laptop in casualty.








    Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn`t what I thought it was.
     
    #523 Pierre 66, Sep 18, 2012
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  4. "I had sex with a puppet last night," I told my mate.

    "Sex with a puppet!" he queried. "How'd you manage that?"

    "Well, I had to pull a few strings," I admitted.
     
    #524 Rudolph Hart, Sep 18, 2012
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  5. To commemorate the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a collectors edition of two small jugs.
     
    #525 Pierre 66, Sep 20, 2012
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  6. I once took a bookmaker's daughter out for a drink.


    I got her home at 10 to 1.
     
    #526 Rudolph Hart, Sep 21, 2012
  7. The wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess.


    So I took a photo of her tits & posted them on FaceBook.
     
    #527 Rudolph Hart, Sep 21, 2012
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  8. I said to the wife, "You'll never guess what I heard down the pub today, they said our milkman has made love to every woman in the street but one!"
    She said, "I'll bet its that Phyllis in number 23."
     
    #528 Pete1950, Sep 21, 2012
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  9. My wife hates it when I mix up her chocolate bars & switch them into different chocolate bar wrappers.


    She gets her Snickers in a Twix.
     
    #529 Rudolph Hart, Sep 21, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  10. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'Gah, my memory. What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'
    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
    'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
     
    #530 Loz, Sep 21, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  11. My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.

    I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.
     
    #531 Rudolph Hart, Sep 21, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  12. #532 470four, Sep 23, 2012
  13. Godot (to Mrs Godot): Oh, for heaven's sake do hurry up and get ready, darling, Vladimir and Estragon will be there already!
     
    #533 Pete1950, Sep 23, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Q. Why do cabinet ministers go round in threes?

    A. One can read, one can write, and the third is there to make sure the intellectuals don't get out of hand.
     
    #534 Rudolph Hart, Sep 24, 2012
  15. It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.

    Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my house.
     
    #535 Rudolph Hart, Sep 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  16. A British Engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
     
    #536 470four, Sep 24, 2012
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  17. I went out for a run earlier this evening after 5 minutes I stopped turned round and went back because I had forgotten something. I had forgotten Im a fat twat and I cant run for five minutes!
     
    #537 Phartycr0c, Sep 26, 2012
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  18. A little birdie told me im suffering from Dr Doolittle syndrome!
     
    #538 Phartycr0c, Sep 26, 2012
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  19. Honestly, how can we expect our kids to do well? First they change the grade boundaries for English between January and June and now to pass Maths you need to do a french oral.....
     
    #539 Phartycr0c, Sep 26, 2012
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  20. Tonights maths homework, If a 30 yr old man and a 15 year old girl leave the UK at 09.05 am, travel 120 miles into France driving at an average speed of 40 MPH, How many years prison will the male get?
     
    #540 Phartycr0c, Sep 26, 2012
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