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CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ;We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

The man said ;You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife

The agent said, ;Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home;.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ;I tried, but I can't kill my wife.

The agent said, ;You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
;The gun was loaded with blanks she said.

I had to kill him with the chair

 

It's funny when posted on American custom bike forums.

 

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

source: Affair Joke - Dirty Jokes

 

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

source: Alien Wife Swap Joke - Dirty Jokes

 

Just walked into an book shop and asked for a book on UKIP. The bloke said "f@uk off, get out and don't come back!!"

I said yeah that's the one, do you have it in hard back?

 

went to the zoo today only had one animal in it was a shitzoo

 

hyphenated?

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