Here's an hilarious joke::!Moto Guzzi Egretta 250 cc Special For Sale (1939) on Car And Classic UK [C471596]
According to Bear Grylls you can drink your own urine in an emergency. Fortunately our wi-fi came back on just as I filled the bottle.
A young polar bear asks his mum "are you sure I'm a polar bear? Not a grizzly, or a brown bear?" "of course you're a polar bear, why ever would you doubt that?" "Hmm", he says, and goes off to find his dad. "Am I definitely a polar bear dad? Not a koala, or a black bear?" "Don't be silly son, of course you're a polar bear." So junior goes off to ask his grandad the same question. "What a thing to ask, whatever makes you doubt that you're a polar bear?" Junior replies "Because I'm fucking freezing!"
My mate took the advice he heard on the radio this morning & viewed the eclipse through a colander. He strained his eyes.
After my last birthday, the kids have started calling me Spiderman. Not because of any imagined superpowers I might have, but because these days I find it so hard to get out the bloody bath.
Saw a guy selling toothbrushes at a car boot sale. I asked him how much they were. He said: "£10 each mate." I replied: "That's ridiculous, £10 for a toothbrush." He said: "Ok, I also have some chocolate muffins for only 50p each." I bought one, but spat it out as soon as I tried it. I shouted at him: "That's fecking dog shit!" He said: "Yep, want to buy a toothbrush?"
I've just renamed my wifi network: 'Police Surveillance Van #02' That should keep our pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
You can tell if you'll be better off following the recent budget just by looking at your watch. If it's worth more than 5 grand, you'll be ok.
I don't hold with this crap about us being responsible for our elderly neighbours, I reckon they should make more effort for themselves. I mean, take my 94 year old neighbour, lazy bitch, hasn't even bothered to take the milk off her doorstep for 2 weeks.
Not saying the wife is fat, but she's just finished writing her idea of an erotic/fantasy book: 'Fifty shapes of cake'
I asked the chemist for some sleeping tablets for the mother in law. He said, "Why do you want them?" I replied, "Because she keeps waking up."
My wife says she has a body that's well defined. She's right. I found it in the dictionary under 'flabby'.
On average, an American male under 75 will have sex 2 or 3 times a week, an English man 2 or 3 times a month, where as a Japanese man the same age will only have sex once or twice a year. I feel sorry for some of my friends, they didn't know they were Japanese
