The wife asked me what my plans are for Easter. I replied, "Same as Jesus: disappear Friday, turn up Monday."
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
My mate who is an atheist, married a Jehovah's Witness. I feel sorry for the kids - they go out & knock on doors, but don't know why.
A woman was at home when the door goes. She answers and sees a man standing there. He asks "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. Next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what happened the last two days.He says, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran to it. The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he's going with this." She nods and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
So I said to her: "Come on, face down, arse up, just grin & bear it - it's easy!" But we still lost the wheelbarrow race.
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give a dog a toffee and you'll piss yourself laughing for half an hour.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your whole day... Anal sex makes your hole weak......
a black man walks into the doctors with a frog on his head. the doctor asks "can I help you " "yes " the frog says " can you get this blackhead off my hole ? "
A new survey shows that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or put another way, 100% of all grooms.
A Yorkshireman goes to his doctors................. Man: It's my wife Dr - she's having problems getting pregnant. Doctor: Has she got coil in? Man: Has she 'eck - she's nor'even washed pots yet.
Scientists have discovered a link between noise and obesity. In the wife's case that will be the dinner bell.
"Welcome to Contradiction Club. The first rule of Contradiction Club is there are no rules ! Oh and lights out is 10 o'clock... "
The wife just rang me & said: "The sat nav in the car told me to turn around, and now I can't see where I'm going!"
