moses climbed to the top of the hill and said feck my heads killing me, god said heres two tablets for you.
An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Bloke goes into a store and asked for a lawn mower and a box of tampons ....When asked about his purchases he replied " I ain't doin anything all week ...I might as well mow the f**kin lawn ! "
Rumours are emerging that Sepp Blatter is taking up professional tennis. His serve is nothing special, but his backhanders are out of this fecking world.
Had issues with my knees recently so thought I'd better get them X-ray'd.... Hope you don't mind me sharing it with y'all ......
Nature is so cruel. How come our brains can tell us where to place our hands to catch a cricket ball travelling at 98mph, yet they won't tell us to keep our mouths shut when a woman is pissed off with us??
Somehow I felt that a "Funny" was more appropriate that a "LIKE"... are you trying to tell us something @pico31 ?
As we get older, the wife likes to run her fingers through my hair. Sometimes she even remembers to give it back to me when she's done..
My mate asked his wife to say something that would make him both happy & sad. So she said, "You have a bigger dick than your brother."
