A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? " Little Paddy raises his hand and says"Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen. " "No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion. " "But Miss, what about the song?"Robin Hood, RobinHood, riding Trudy Glen!"
Wandering around the harbour this morning at about 11 a.m., I noticed some foreign-looking bloke shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels", then he suddenly tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of explosives he was carrying. I knew if I didn't get help he'd drown. Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that encourages you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the RNLI and even St John's Ambulance It is now 4 p.m. The terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
Following Christopher Lees death, The sun has written a 2 page article on Dracula . He didnt appear in the mirror though...
The wife texted me saying: "CAN YOU PICK ME UP IN TOWN? x" I replied: "Yes, and there's no need to shout." Her answer: "Sorry, there was a bus going past."
The wife had the temerity to accuse me of not listening to her. Oh, and some claptrap about not being attentive to her knees..
After a few too many visits to the "House of Horizontal Pleasure" a young man notices green lumps on his willy. So, off he goes to the doctor. "You know how wrestlers and rugby union players get cauliflower ears?" says the doctor. "Yes" says the man, nodding seriously. "Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking. She said: "There are no 2 things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't." I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed the car into the drive.
Booked some Star Wars impersonators for a kid's birthday party, but they've just rung to cancel as their people carrier has broken down. All I know is they are in a Galaxy far, far away.
The England Women's football team have just released their official World Cup song: 'Steam irons on a shirt'...
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house. The Spaniard replied, ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’ The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous. When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said, ‘You see that bridge over there?’ The Spaniard replied, ‘No.’
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life...
My son wanted some help with his school project "what is it like to live in Greece?"; so I took his pocket money off him...
Jodie Marsh claims her career has always been hindered by birds. Even recently, she was prevented from doing an underwear photo shoot by a little thrush.
Those push-up bras don't work. I tried one of the wife's on earlier today, and I can still only do eight push-ups.
