The mother in law will be beaming when she opens her birthday present this year. We're giving her the batteries for the torch we gave her last year.
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings. As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property………….. "Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The sod had a window cleaning round."
My mate says because of her obese condition, he can only have sex with his wife doggy style. He says it's just regular sex, but he has to give the fat bitch a treat afterwards..
Young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub. He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves. "You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!" "No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
Newsflash: Senior Police Officer in China suspended after being caught smoking pot & masturbating in his office. His name is not yet known, Chinese Police will only confirm him to be 'A high wanking officer.'
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy smelly tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you,....... how about a shag before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off, you filthy old bastard!"... He shrugged and turned away, saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." She didn't jump .........
Earlier this year, a group of bikers were riding out when they saw a girl about to jump off the Humber Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big bu...rly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
My daughter informed me she plans to become a vegan. "Sod that." I said. "I don't want you running around with big ears & giving people death grips."
My sex life hardly exists anymore, so I've converted to Islam and changed my name too Seldom Bin Laid!
I bought some'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with that!
I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.
If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!
