The wife says she's going to put her new mascara on my knob. She wants to see if it will make it thicker, fuller & longer lasting..
An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."
A highways agency warning said anyone traveling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!!!
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?
A man receives a phone call from the police. " We think we may have your wife in the morgue, can you come down and identify her?" The mortician pulls the sheet from her head and then man says, "I can't be sure, can i see some more?" So the mortician pulls down some more sheets to reveal the most beautiful pair of tits you've ever seen. The man says" I'm still not sure, can I see some more?" So the mortician pulls off the rest of the sheet to show a perfect, clean shaven pussy. The man says," can I touch her just to check?" The mortician nods.. So the man sticks two fingers in her and rummages about for the next few minutes..... He then says, "no, that's not her, my wife's definitely not black"
My wife tried to be all sexy last night by shoving a lollipop up her fanny. I told her she'd be needing it in the morning to see the school kids across the road
My mate is trying to predict the future using probiotic dairy products. I've warned him not to dabble in the Yakult.
Whilst interviewing for promotion at work, the HR woman asked me: "How do you view lesbian relationships?" Apparently "In HD." Wasn't the answer they were looking for.
"Take a look at the size of the shit I've just done" "No thanks, you're disgusting" said my wife. "Go on, it's huge!" I said. "Taking a deep breath, she pinched her nose and went into the bathroom" "There's nothing there - you must have pulled the flush" she said. "It's on the scales" I replied.
I can't understand the BBC choosing Matt LeBlanc as a Top Gear presenter. It's like he's always stuck in second gear.
When I got home, my wife said "I've lost the dog - he ran off in the park. Go and look for him" So I went to the park and searched for hours, but no dog! The wife said "Look harder" So I shaved my head and got a tattoo on my forehead, but it didn't help!
My mate says he reckons he's stopped his wife's fears of being buried alive. The screams stopped about an hour ago..
Met a guy in the pub who claimed to be the unluckiest man in town. I asked him how this could be & he replied, "I'm a dyslexic with a lips."
