We longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper and you get more feet.
An eminent psychologist has made a video to discover the intelligence of dogs. Here's how it works: If you spend the £15.99 to buy the video, your dog is smarter than you.
The local farmer counted 196 cows in his field earlier today. But when he rounded them up he had 200.
The wife says we should retire to Switzerland, so I asked her why she thinks it's so great. She said she's not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss Phillip off.
I bet my mate a tenner that I could buy 4 suits for less than £2. You should have seen his face when I turned up with a pack of cards.
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were U before U realised it was caught"
Top tip for managers: Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw away half the CVs you receive from job applicants.
My computer told me I needed a password with eight characters. So I picked Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.
