About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
My mate said his wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn't magical, it's just that his wife has an ugly sister.
Teacher says to little Irish johnny " form a sentence with the word contagious in it " little johnny says " my dad said the neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and its going to take the contagious "
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. "Where are you?" she moaned. "I'm at the pub." I replied. She said, "I think the baby's coming!" I said, "That's pointless. She won't get in, she's under-age."
I went into the Muslim bookshop and asked, "Have you got the new UKIP book?" He said, "**** off, get out and don't come back!" I said, "Yeah, that's the one!"
The teacher is teaching the class how to use the word "definitely". She asks the class if they can give an example of how to use it. A little girl raises her hand and answers "I will definitely get a barbie doll for my birthday" the teacher shakes her head and says she can't be sure about that. A little boy then puts his hand up and says "I will definitely have sausages for my tea." Again, the teacher says that's not right, you don't know for sure what you're mum'll make. Finally, the smelly kid at the back puts his hand up. "Miss, do farts have lumps?" "what? No!" said the teacher. "Well then miss, I have definitely shat myself!"
A cub scout pack consists of a bunch of little kids dressed like twats, following a big twat dressed like a kid.
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"
A penguin is on a driving holiday in Australia when suddenly miles from anywhere the car breaks down. He manages to limp the car to an out -back garage where he meets the mechanic. " leave it with me mate" says the mechanic. "Bit busy at the moment, come back later on" "Ok" says the penguin and toddles off. He spends the rest off the time looking around shops of the near by town. Just before he returns to the garage he decides to have a refreshing ice cream. As he approaches the garage he sees the legs of the mechanic poking out from under his car. "Any news"? enquires the Penguin "Looks like you've blown a seal" replies the mechanic "Oh that" says the penguin wiping his beak, "nah that's just ice cream "!
My mate met a prostitute in a pub last night & she offered to do anything he wanted for £300, as long as he could describe the act in just three words. He pulled out his wallet, put £300 on the bar and then said: "Paint my house."
My brother sent me this list of 100 jokes. Will Ferrell | 100 funny jokes by 100 comedians - Comedy I especially like nos. 93 and 97: Lee Mack: 'I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?' Sean Lock 'I like the pope. You know that white thing on his head? If you push that down and twist it, he's full of sweets.'
Yes, that's reminded me why I think that smug twat Sean Lock is about as funny as a wet weekend in Skegness...
