The wife says I don't need to join a gym. She reckons I must get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.
A young colleague asked for advice regarding girls. My answer was: "Never go down on one knee for any girl who won't go down on two for you."
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.
Times are really tough : THE GLOBAL RECESSION : The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her! A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words....
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!'
Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.
Ugh, don't... I remember my ex girlfriend being in an absolutely foul mood with me one day for something I had done..... In her dream the night before!!!!!!!!
My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
I had exactly the same thing from my ex. She only told me it was from a dream at the end of the following day! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Q. What's the difference between a cow and the second coming of Jesus? A. You can't milk a cow for 2,000 years.
