Came home really pissed again last night and the missus said "why can't you go out and just have a couple of pints?" No problem I said, I'll just get my coat.
A politician, a reporter and a Soldier were captured by Daesh and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The Soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the Soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the Soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics. "Well", says the Soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".
Politicians are now being taught to whistle when sitting on the toilet. Because shit comes out of both ends, they need a clue as to which end should be wiped.
I went to, Weightwatchers last night and threw Maltesers all over the floor.... Then I watched the best game of "Hungry Hippos" I've ever seen
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says. What sort of horse?', said the owner. 'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth. 'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?.
Today I discovered my first grey pubic hair. I found it quite disconcerting. But not as much as the other people in the lift.
I was in Glasgow last week and thought I would have a look in the job centre, where a vacancy caught my eye - "Fanny Waxers Assistant required. Duties to include washing ladies private parts, applying lotion, and trimming of pubic hair in preparation for waxing. £10 an hour." I thought I would inquire about this and was told I had to go to Dover. " is that where the job is ?" I asked. " No " said the guy, " it's the end of the fecking queue"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mother was talking about her side of the family."
