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I've being diagnosed with a rare condition where I think I'm an airport building. Hopefully it's not terminal.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A Muslim Couple, preparing for their Wedding, meet the Mullah for Counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave..??? The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for Men to dance with Men, and Women to dance with Women. But, at our Wedding Reception, we'd like your permission to dance Together." "Absolutely NOT," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and Women always dance separately." "So after the Ceremony I can't even Dance with my own Wife"..??? "NO," answered the Mullah, "It's Absolutely Forbidden in Islam.” "Well, Okay," says the man, "What about Sex.??? Can we finally have Sex"..??? "Of Course..!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children.." "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on Top?" "Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it..!" "Doggy style..?" "Sure..!” "On the kitchen table..?" "Yes, Yes!" .. "Can we do it with all my Four Wives together on Rubber Sheets with a Bottle of Hot Oil, a couple of Vibrators, Leather Harnesses, a bucket of Honey and a Porno Video"..???? "You may indeed,,!" "Can we do it standing up?" "NO." says the Mullah." "Why not..?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing.."
A Blonde Couple was watching a Documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his tool and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the tool to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure”..??? Her husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to it. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our Tribal Experiment coming along”..?? “Well, it looks like we’re Half-Way there,” he replied. “WOW.. You’ve grown to 12 inches already"..??? she said, astonished. , “NO … it’s turned Black.” He replied.
Q. Why is sex like cooking an egg in a microwave? A. Both involve the emission of an irritating noise followed by having to clean up a gooey mess.
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was George W Bush and a large pool of murky water. Dubya kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Dick Cheney with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best... Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Why does Trump admire Putin so much ? Because Putin has had loads of plastic surgery and likes to pose for topless picture - Donald just can't resist people like that...
So a Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "five beers please"... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Q. Why is it so hard to organise a women's football game? A. Try finding 11 women who will turn up wearing the same outfit.
