"Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter this lunchtime. "Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?" "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse."
I visited the doctor today and received disturbing news. “I’m sorry Ron,” the doctor said. “I can’t be certain about the problem. It must be the drink.” “That’s ok Doc,” I said. “I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up”
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93. When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
My mate said his dad was like a magician. I asked, "What do you mean, like a magician." He replied, "He used to disappear a lot when I was younger."
A man asked for a tattoo of a £100 note on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asked him why he would possibly want that. He replied, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and £100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?" Little Paddy raises his hand and says, "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen." "No Paddy, it's Maid Marian." "But Miss, what about the song- "Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen." ?
A woman told her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent. The doctor asked her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" She replied, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
President Vladimir Putin called President Trump with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded..!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control..! This is a true disaster..!" "Vladimir, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Newly Elected President.. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over..?" "Why certainly..! I'll get right on it..!" said Trump. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes,,?" "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in Diameter..?" said Putin. "No problem," replied Trump said and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Durex. "Great..! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else..?" "Yeah," said Trump, "Print - **'MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM'** on each one."
9 out of 10 voices in my wife's head tell her she is too fat. The last one tells her to have another plate of chips...
A plane is going to crash. In the back are 4 people and 3 parachutes. The first man says, I am a great sportsman with many medals my team need me, grabs a parachute and jumps out. Donald Trumps says, I am President elect, I must survive grabs another and goes. That leaves the Pope and a young boy. The Pope says I have had a long and enjoyable life my son you take the last parachute, I will stay. No need father says the boy, there are still two parachutes still left, that guy Trump took my school bag.
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
When I was young I used to dream of having an all nighter. Now a days it means going all night without getting up for a wee.
The wife asked "Shall I prepare curry or soup today?" I replied, "First make it, and we'll name it later."
I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowd, selling his African trinkets and carved wood. I went up to him and asked for his help. "My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £20. Just shout loud for her while you walk." "£20? Okay, what is her name?" He asked. "It's Ivy," I replied. "Ivy Bowler." Picked a spot all to myself after that
A married man's prayer: 'Dear God, You gave me childhood, you took it away. You gave me youth, you took it away. You gave me a wife. It’s been years now. Just reminding You.'
