Q. What happens when you play a country & western song backwards? A. You get a new truck, a new wife and a new dog.
Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said "Tell me, do you object to making love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" said Jack, amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected before"
My mate says his wife's attitude to sex reminds him of his bank account: Unlikely to show any interest for the foreseeable future.
When I was young I used to think that earwigs actually lived in your ears. I was terrified of cockroaches.....
THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
A local dignitary visited a retirement home & asked a 93-year old lady resident, "Have you been bed-ridden since you came here?" The old girl replied, "A couple of times, but I prefer being f*cked up the arse on the sofa."
Paddy was planning to get Married and asked his Doctor how he could tell if his New Bride is a Virgin..? The Doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.” Paddy asked, “And what the feck do I do with these, Doc”? The Doctor replied, “Before the Wedding Night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. Then if she says - ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen", you hit the bitch with your shovel.”
An old man went to church, and made a confession: Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old." Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?" Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?" Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." The stranger says, "How about 20?" The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." The stranger says, "How about 10?" The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost £10 each in the U.K. How can you say they're not worth it?" The Egyptian man says, "Oh the pills are worth it, my wife isn't."
After her friend split with her cheating husband, my wife asked her: "What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?" Her friend replied: "In a divorce you get rid of the whole prick."
Two T-Rex Dinosaurs walked on the beach right up to the waters edge looking at the boat sailing off into the distance. One said, "Fuck you Noah, and your fucking Ark"
A nun goes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear her confession. "Today Father Goodwin told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then opened my gates with his key." "The bastard!" says Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."
A mate of mine has just told me he's banging his girlfriend and her twin. "How can you tell them apart?" I asked "Her brother's got a moustache."
