Q. What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? A. They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
Q. What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? A. Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the Doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little Angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the Doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. Pancakes are the new wonder food for small penises. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a rather large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Wow Mum," he exclaimed. "are these all for me" ..???" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
The UK Royal Family expect 350 million pounds to update Buckingham Palace . Whilst William and Kate named their son George just so that they could buy his school clothes from Asda, without having to pay for name tags . Unbelievable .
A bride to be went to church a week before her wedding to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "Tell all of your sins, my daughter." The bride said, "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," The priest thought about this long and hard and said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it." "Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" The bride replied. "No." The priest said, "But it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well. " said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that my invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Little Billy was watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" His father looks at him horrified and tells him all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets wet. Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement. His dad asks, "So, what you been watching Billy?" "Tennis"
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
Mother Superior" said the Nun.. "Yes, my child?" she replied.. "Sorry Mother Superior but I think we have a case of Gonorrhea in the Convent" the Nun continued. "Thank fuck for that" said Mother Superior, " I was getting rather fed up with all this shit Beaujolais"
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
I'm not saying the mother in law is fat, but I took a photo of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
A woman goes to see the doctor "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina". "The Doctor had a look, and said "Those aren't postage stamps madam, they're banana stickers"
I got fed up of my sarcastic missus going on about how much of a scruffy disgusting fat slob I was. So I started going to a gym, got myself in good shape with a tremendous six pack, had my hair cut and a shave/manicure. Then that night, I stripped off in front of her while she was watching the telly. "Wow, " she said, "you look fantastic. I can actually see your cock again. I'd almost forgotten how small it was "
Did you hear about the American Blonde? She put 2 quarters in her ears & thought she was listening to 50 Cents.
