Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Paddy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.Paddy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Paddy looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking"
Mrs. Donovan was walking downO'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Good mornin'to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer husband..' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways.. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! two sets of twins and six singles- Ten in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! and how is yer loving husband doing?' She replied, He's gone to Rome - To blow out yer feckin' candle
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says 'Fecking hell Paddy, what ya doing'? Paddy says, " Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor"
A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
Whilst visiting my Irish mate on the farm where he works, I noticed a tremendous number of flies buzzing around the horses & cows. "That's a lot of flies." I said, "Do you ever shoo them?" He replied, "No, we just leave them to go barefoot."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
CREATING A PASSWORD cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiledcabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that password is already in use.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyParis When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
I asked my mate, "What part of America is your wife from?" He said, "Alaska" I said, "I thought you'd know".
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie or maybe a chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm feckin' starving"
My mate decided to get one of those mail order brides. He made the mistake of not being in to sign on delivery. He came home to find that the guy next door had signed for her & she was out mowing his lawn.
Granny says the older grandad gets, the better he is in bed. She reckons he can now sleep for 12-14 hours at a time.
Our little nephew was staying with us & he gave my wife some lip. She asked him to help with the dishes and he said, "No, I don't want to." "I'll handle this." I said to my wife. I took the lad into the garden, offered him a fiver & said, "Teach me to do that."
Whenever I hаvе а раnіc attасk I рut а рapeг bаg оvеr mу moυth & оncе I'm ԁonе dгinkіng tһe alсоhol іnside I fеel а ӏоt betteг.
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?" He asks. "What's he look like?" Asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?" Asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'..." Replies the Sheriff.
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello..?"
The Four Stages of Life:- 1. You Believe in Santa. 2. You Don't Believe in Santa. 3. You Dress Up Like Santa. 4. You Look Like Santa.
