Q. How do you get your wife to scream and groan whilst you're having sex? A. Let her catch you doing it with her best friend.
Oh, My God!" What happend you?" the bartender asked Paddy as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. 'I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow! The bartender said suprised. "He must have had something in his hand?" "That he did" said Paddy, "A shovel it was." "Dear lord" didn't you have anything in your hand?" asked the barman. "Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Paddy said, "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy............Judy" "Is that you, George?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, George...are you in Heaven?" "No...........I'm a Rabbit in Cornwall.
A woman goes to the docs and says: "I've been constipated for some time now and it's really starting to hurt. "How long have you been constipated for?" asked the doctor. "About two weeks" replied the woman. "Well I dont know how to tell you this but if it's been over a week its usually a fatal illness that results in death" said the doctor. And guess what She shit herself
My mate was sacked from his job as a bingo caller last night. Ball number 69 came out & he announced it as, "A meal for two with a horrible view."
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that..!" The other Syrian replies with: "Get out of my country, you goat fucking towelhead."
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Santa's smoking weed Mrs. Claus is on the floor She's overdosed on speed Blitzen's fucked, the elves are too They're tripping off their heads And if Rudolph snorts another line The twat will end up dead
It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
The wife caught me on the internet last night. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was looking for flights for xmas. Jesus she jumped on me, unzipped my fly and gave me the best noshing ever. Now I don't know how to tell her I was after a new set of flights for my darts.
To anyone thinking of getting a dog this year please remember that it's not just for Christmas. If you freeze half of it, you can enjoy part of it on New Years Day.
Q. How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. The light sockets go with the house.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," The man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," He says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," He replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" She asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Mу ԁoctог tоld mе tо еat mогe bacоn cheеѕеbυгgегѕ. Well, whаt һе tесhnісally sаiԁ wаs tо еat "lesѕ pіzza", bυt I'm рrеttу sυrе I knоw whаt һе meаnt.
My mate got caught sniffing his mother in law's underwear yesterday. Made the rest of her funeral quite awkward...
In pharmacology each drug has at least two names, a generic name and manufacturers' trade names. For example, acetaminophen is paracetamol, amoxil is amoxicillin, and advil is also called ibuprofen. Manufacturers are now looking for alternative names for viagra; under consideration are mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin, dixafix, and ibepokin. Further suggestions are welcomed.
Placebos raise a problem nowadays with pharmacists required to label drug bottles with their contents; describing a pill as nothing but sugar would defeat the object, so a fancy brand name is needed. Among proposed placebo brand-names are confabulase, gratifycin, deludium, hoaxacillin, bugrol, placebic acid, panacease, and obecalp.
