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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Its a great day, Iv'e just finished my Fifth book in the learning to count trilogy.
     
    #581 Phartycr0c, Oct 12, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  2. I bet you didn't read them in order though!
     
    #582 Loz, Oct 12, 2012
  3. New Girlfriend

    One of my mates has started dating again after his messy divorce last year.

    Didn't turn out quite as he was hoping.........

    New Girlfriend.jpg
     
    #583 Rudolph Hart, Oct 12, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  4. Eeeeeew - is she having a poo?
     
    #584 Dave, Oct 12, 2012
  5. You wish.

    That's the best case scenario.
     
    #585 Loz, Oct 12, 2012
  6. Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'pegging' :eek:

    Run away ...
     
    #586 Greyman, Oct 12, 2012
  7. Funny how he's lost all interest in Thai takeaways these days.......
     
    #587 Rudolph Hart, Oct 12, 2012
  8. Before I got through on the phone to Seaworld, I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"


    They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
     
    #588 Rudolph Hart, Oct 12, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  9. Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
    Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

    A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
    He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.

    The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

    Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home.

    The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.

    So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

    As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…
     
    #589 Rudolph Hart, Oct 12, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  10. #590 Rudolph Hart, Oct 13, 2012
  11. girl spanks monkey?
     
    #591 idrinkbeer, Oct 13, 2012
  12. wedding.jpg

    wedding.jpg
     
    #592 He11cat, Oct 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  13. Altar-boy asks the priest for next Sunday off, as there’s a Premier football match on and he has a ticket.
    Priest: “I’ll let you off, boy, but only if you give me a blowjob in return.”
    Boy: “Father, I don’t want to.”
    Priest: “No footie match then.”
    So the boy kneels down and takes hold of the priest’s knob, but as soon as it’s in his mouth he pulls back, retches and spits out.
    “What’s the matter, boy?”
    Boy: “It tastes of shit, Father!”
    Priest: “Well, you don’t think you’re the only boy wanting to go to that match, do you?”
     
    #593 Pete1950, Oct 14, 2012
  14. My Mrs is always walking into things and getting hurt... last night it was into the bedroom while I was shagging her sister!
     
    #594 Phartycr0c, Oct 15, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Paddy says to Murphy "have you seen the news? three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!!!"

    "Unbelievable" said murphy, "cant believe they all had the same name!"
     
    #595 Phartycr0c, Oct 15, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Took a girl home after clubbing last Saturday night. After a few drinks at mine we went upstairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the direction of the bed and said "I hope its not that fat cow from last week"

    The girl shouted "What the F**k was that ?"

    "Oh Its that Bastard memory foam mattress!"
     
    #596 Phartycr0c, Oct 15, 2012
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  17. mcDonalds have just launched their newest burger, the McSaville. 84 yr old meat between 13 yr old baps!
     
    #597 Phartycr0c, Oct 15, 2012
  18. A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

    "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
    "What sort of horse?" said the owner.
    "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

    So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
    So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf.

    "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

    By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"

    With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horse's tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

    The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
    Can I see her wun awound?"
     
    #598 Rudolph Hart, Oct 16, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  19. When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
    So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

    Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
    Women are just so much smarter than men.
     
    #599 Rudolph Hart, Oct 16, 2012
    • Like Like x 1


  20. OMFG!!! I have watched this twice. The first time I laughed so hard I cried, the second time I was nearly sick. SERIOUSLY funny!! :) :upyeah:
     
    #600 470four, Oct 17, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
    • Like Like x 7
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