Remember this the next time you have Major Surgery and need a Blood Transfusion. This is good Info to know... Australian Medical Association Researchers have found :- That patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It does you no harm at all. Apparently, it does tend to make the men cockier and the women lay better.
Apparently it's impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one minute. Anyway, always up for the challenge I gave it a go today. I managed three and then choked on a plastic moustache.
My mate just rang and asked, "How do you cook those boil in a bag fish they are giving out at the funfair?"
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral you're better off in the coffin than doing the eulogy.
The wife entered what she has eaten today into her new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to our house.
My mates wife told him she wanted anal sex... Saw him a few days later, apparently she said annual sex.
I asked my mate what his pet hate is. He replied, "Well he doesn't like having things shoved up his arse."
Mick Hucknall is to release two new songs about sex with rabbits: 'Holding back the ears', and 'Bunny's too tight to mention'.
After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago the authorities have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings
A guy was standing in front of the Gorilla Cage at the Zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the Gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy totally senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the Zookeeper. Nodding, the Zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F*ck You" in Gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and so he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried back to the Zoo and went right up to the Gorilla's Cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that Gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The Gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The Gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his Knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The Gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, And pulled down his eyelid.
A Japanese company and an English company decided to have a canoe Race on the Thames; both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The English, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the English team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, the English management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ”Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the English management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as Bonuses and the next year’s Racing Team was outsourced to India. (AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH)..???
My mate said his girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh just before Christmas. He reckons when he puts his ear to it he can smell the ocean.
A Devout Arab Muslim got into a cab in London. She curtly asked the 'cab driver' to turn off the radio because her religious doctrine forbade her listening to music. The cab driver politely asked why? His passenger replied that in the time of the Holy Prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door for his passenger to disembark. The Arab Muslim was surprised and asked him: "What are you doing..?" The cab driver answered: "In the time of the Holy Prophet, there were no taxis, no bombs, no plane hijacks, no west invented loud speakers in mosques that woke up newly born, the elderly and the sick at unearthly hours, no suicide attacks, no RDX, no AK 47; only 'PEACE' everywhere. So shut the fuck up, get the fuck out and wait for a camel
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg.
