I had my first UFO experience this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat arse." Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from fucking everywhere
That reminded me. I saw this in the lavatory of a Tokyo restaurant a couple of years ago. I did look strange taking photographs in there, but I was a foreigner, so they must have figured that we all do that. Anyway, I'm partial to the middle row, right hand side one, I was gutted it's not allowed in Japan.
My mate refused to provide a sample when he and his wife attended the fertility clinic. He claimed he already knew he had a very high sperm count. When asked by the nurse how he was aware of this, my mate replied: "Because she has to chew before she swallows."
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything". Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back" Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken" "How much?" asked Paddy. "Three quid." replied the salesperson. "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom. He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?" The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock"
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed. He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month." Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies,"don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "yes it is." Paddy asks, "how do you know?" Mick replies,"that's my handwriting."
To help people to find the correct insurance for the sex they are having, a list of companies is shown below that should apply in most cases: Sex with your wife: Legal & General. Sex on the telephone: Direct Line. Sex with your partner: Standard Life. Sex with someone different: Go Compare. Sex with a fat bird: More Than. Sex on the back seat of a car: Sheilas' Wheels. Sex with a posh bird: Privilege. Sex with a transvestite: Confused.com.
My gran had this antique vase that she said would produce twenty grand "under the hammer". I was more than a bit miffed when not only did it not have 20 grand in it when I smashed it in my shed, but upon hearing this news, she died on the spot.
To commemorate the sad passing of life-long Millwall fan and football hooligan, Reg 'Crusher' Davies, 92, a minutes violence will be observed in his honour, before saturday's game at Peterborough.
My nephew fell asleep at a recent Birthday party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrow's off and draw a cock on his forehead. My sister went fucking mad when she looked in his pram
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his Penis covered with bright Green and Purple Spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The Doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to Amputate your Penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely NOT..! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his p*nis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my Penis..!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican Docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate..!" "Oh, Thank God..!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese Doctor, "You no worrley..! Wait two weeks. Fall off by Itself.."
After a few beers too many, my mate threw a bottle of Domestos at the local vicar. Police have charged him with bleaching the priest.
My mate said, "Imagine Scarlett Johansson stripping naked in front of you, squeezing your balls with one hand and rubbing a couple of fingers up and down your manhood with the other hand. How long do you think you could last?" I said, "Pass me some tissues, would you mate"
